Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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