We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
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I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
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well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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