I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
