I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
