You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
