Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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