did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
