Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
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The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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