The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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