It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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