Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There's always time for handjobs
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
