My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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