so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
