my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
