she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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