So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
