There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize