You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
