I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
