You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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