...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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