And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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