Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
