no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
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I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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