im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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