just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
