I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
