i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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