my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
