he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
