she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
