I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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