Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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