I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
