marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
