im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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