my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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