you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
