at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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