does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
