last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
