You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
