So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
