Your dad touched me again.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
