so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
