you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
