I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
