I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
