The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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