my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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