I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
