i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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