Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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