I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
