it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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