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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
